I'm here, but i'm there

Stuck in time. I'm trying to look for something that I know I won't find. I never imagined this would ever come. Processing my feelings isn't easy. I try to satisfy people around me, and myself at the same time but I loose balance.

Leaving my favorite place in the whole world forever seems so ironic but real. It's bittersweet. It's like I want to stay forever but I want to go. Sometimes I feel like I want to go and never come back. I used to feel free and invencible, and most of all, endless. When I go, I'm certain that I'll never get to experience such thing in any other city. It's scary and beautiful. This city is a huge part of my life. If I stay, things will never change, things will continue as they are and I will keep searching for the unfoundable, I'll never know what it's like to miss it, to remember it. If I go, I will cease everything, I will live again. I'm already gone.

I'm sorry to all the people I can't make happy because of my actions. I know no one will understand how this feels, it's ok. People keep telling me that what's to come is going to be really really hard. Almost as if I'm not going to make it. Are people trying to help me like this, or are they trying to fuck me up? They think i'm immature for taking this "not too seriously". Do you really think I don't know all of this? That it won't be easy? Of course I do. God, I know it more than anyone. But for myself, telling me all this crap doesn't help me to move on. I learned not to listen to this, and not to take advice that i didn't ask for. I know exactly what I have to do, and I will do it the way that's better for my emotions,

I don't feel good. I've been beaten up by people's reality. I'm scared and nervous. I don't know what I want anymore. Changes are hard for me, I tell my feelings to people and people just don't want to listen. I love someone right now. My biggest fear is seperating myself from him. I have been crying for a whole year everytime someone mentioned my future. Just because of that. I don't care about myself, I don't care about nothing. I just care about him. He doesn't believe me. He keeps telling me all this bullshit that makes me sick, when all I want is to be positive so I can achieve being together, just handle this situtation as best as I can... because my emotions kill me inside... I can't express how horrible this feels. It feels hopeless.

This is the hardest part of my life so far. I just want a better life, to help my loved ones, to be with the person I love, and to feel calm. I'm sorry. To everyone. I will listen to myself from now on, I will suffer what I have to suffer from my emotions, I'll do anything to get what I want. I'm not ok at the moment, but I will be.