I'm here, but i'm there

Stuck in time. I'm trying to look for something that I know I won't find. I never imagined this would ever come. Processing my feelings isn't easy. I try to satisfy people around me, and myself at the same time but I loose balance.

Leaving my favorite place in the whole world forever seems so ironic but real. It's bittersweet. It's like I want to stay forever but I want to go. Sometimes I feel like I want to go and never come back. I used to feel free and invencible, and most of all, endless. When I go, I'm certain that I'll never get to experience such thing in any other city. It's scary and beautiful. This city is a huge part of my life. If I stay, things will never change, things will continue as they are and I will keep searching for the unfoundable, I'll never know what it's like to miss it, to remember it. If I go, I will cease everything, I will live again. I'm already gone.

I'm sorry to all the people I can't make happy because of my actions. I know no one will understand how this feels, it's ok. People keep telling me that what's to come is going to be really really hard. Almost as if I'm not going to make it. Are people trying to help me like this, or are they trying to fuck me up? They think i'm immature for taking this "not too seriously". Do you really think I don't know all of this? That it won't be easy? Of course I do. God, I know it more than anyone. But for myself, telling me all this crap doesn't help me to move on. I learned not to listen to this, and not to take advice that i didn't ask for. I know exactly what I have to do, and I will do it the way that's better for my emotions,

I don't feel good. I've been beaten up by people's reality. I'm scared and nervous. I don't know what I want anymore. Changes are hard for me, I tell my feelings to people and people just don't want to listen. I love someone right now. My biggest fear is seperating myself from him. I have been crying for a whole year everytime someone mentioned my future. Just because of that. I don't care about myself, I don't care about nothing. I just care about him. He doesn't believe me. He keeps telling me all this bullshit that makes me sick, when all I want is to be positive so I can achieve being together, just handle this situtation as best as I can... because my emotions kill me inside... I can't express how horrible this feels. It feels hopeless.

This is the hardest part of my life so far. I just want a better life, to help my loved ones, to be with the person I love, and to feel calm. I'm sorry. To everyone. I will listen to myself from now on, I will suffer what I have to suffer from my emotions, I'll do anything to get what I want. I'm not ok at the moment, but I will be.

No me dejes sola

I have so many mixed feelings today. I came down with the most important syntoms of depression. I noticed that sometimes I feel like this but I can tell that this time is different. I remember writing about something similar here, in the same scenario, same exact one, different reasons.

I don't know where can I find company...

Every time I feel like this, no one ever stays. They talk to me maybe for ten minutes, twenty but then the conversation ends and then I'm alone again. People sometimes don't understand how this feels maybe, or they don't know how to react. I really thought one person could but... the truth is that I am alone in this couch... I don't want to cry, but I really have to.
I just wish I had a friend... A best friend... Who I can just cry with her, instead of crying hysterically on the couch alone, with no one noticing. I just wish that for once I wasn't alone, I really need a friend... Just someone. Someone who I can put my weight on, who I can cry with. A hug. Company.
Maybe it's too much to ask. But I just feel so alone and I feel like everyone leaves me... No one calls me or anything... I just need someone to hold me. To just be with me without saying anything.

Depression is horrible, and the worst part is, you are alone.

Procesos de transición

Yo, crecí viajando. Desde pequeña llevo viajando a todos lados. Recuerdo que me encantaba. Aquel cosquilleo que siempre me entra al despegar y al aterrizar, dios, era el mejor momento. No podía evitar reírme y además me reía tan alto que mi mamá siempre me recordaba que bajase la voz. Me encantaba viajar con mamá, los juguetitos que me daban en el viaje, Es que me lo estoy imaginando todo a la vez que escribo esto. Mamá siempre procuraba que me sentase en el asiento de la ventanilla, me fascinaba; observaba el ala del avión y me imaginaba a los de Dragostea Din Tei cantando la canción,y miraba las nubes, siempre formaban una alfombra tan bonita, de distintos colores. El cielo es precioso, algo eterno, miraba al infinito y nunca me cansaba de verlo, nunca.

No recuerdo la última vez que me sentí así en el proceso de un viaje, pero si sé que todo esto desaparecía poco a poco. El gran paso fue viajar sola, con acompañante. Sentí miedo y curiosidad a la vez, pero, sobre todo, sentía soledad. Es que, viajaba sola, sola por el mundo. Fue un sentimiento muy raro, pero al llegar a mi destino lo superé, Más que todo esto sentí una libertad extrema, viajar a los once añitos sola, es algo muy genial a esa edad. 

Pero luego ya me tocaba viajar sola, sin acompañante, sin mamá, sin nadie. Sola. También fue un paso importante, y me gustó al principio, pero este es el punto clave de esta entrada.

Me desagrada viajar. Con eso lo digo casi todo. Ahora siento que dejo algo atrás. Siento una soledad infinita, no me gusta como se siente. No me gusta irme. Irme. Siempre he intentado explicarme a mi misma esto, pero si yo ni siquiera puedo explicármelo, ¿Cómo se lo explico a los demás? He recopilado casi el mismo número de historias de mis viajes tanto como los que hacía de pequeña. Ahora no me importa sentarme al lado de la ventanilla y de los juguetitos ya ni hablo. Pienso mucho, muchísimo, y al pensar me autodestruyo, porque tengo como una especie de dilema con echar de menos. Para sentirme mejor me digo a mi misma que volveré. Funciona pero no me da para todo el viaje. No quiero decir con todo esto que no quiero llegar a mi destino ni nada de eso, claro que sí. Pero ese proceso de transición de llegar de un sitio a otro, me mata lentamente. Me acuerdo de todos los viajes, siempre me da un bajón, un bajón de los buenos. Me siento horrible. Pero tan horrible que me pongo súper ansiosa y nerviosa. Y no sé porqué, si es que es un viaje, debería disfrutarlo. Pero no, no puedo por más que quiera. Lo peor es que no puedo hablar con nadie para sentirme un poco más acompañada, o más "en casa". Todo esto se va cuando porfín llego al destino, pero, por desgracia, vuelve a perseguirme otra vez. Yo antes no era así, me adaptaba a todo, y no extrañaba casa ni nada. Ahora ya no, si me mueven de mi sitio me siento mal, sin salida. Yo no quiero sentirme así, me sienta mal. De alguna manera también me pasa al volver a casa, tampoco quiero dejar lo que viví en aquel sitio temporal, me considero un poco rara en este sentido. El caso es que no me gusta ser movida de un lugar. Soy muy estable en ese ámbito. Pero, a pesar de todo esto, viajar es algo imprescindible en mi vida, y tendré que afrontarlo sea como sea. 

Tengo un viaje pronto y lo que intento es liberar todas las tensiones que sé que me van a encontrar en cuanto entre en el aeropuerto, y, de alguna manera, me siento mejor. Siento que ya no es para tanto, que disfrute de mi viaje. Es una transición que uno tiene que hacer para ir de un sitio a otro. 

Así que, cuando mire por la ventanilla, lo primero que haré será: imaginarme a los de Dragostea Din Tei bailando y cantando, mirar el cielo y volver a mi pequeña yo. Pasarlo bien. Es mi oportunidad para volver a ser una niña sin estrés ni ansiedad.

Emociones acumuladas en botellas.

It seems that music is the only thing that understands. I'm stuck here, blinds down, pure darkness. Just like my inside. Today I arrived home crying, hoping that at least my dad would understand. I guess I just want to hear what I want to hear. I know it's not right... I know. But it just feels so good to be understood the way you want to be. I have spoken to a few people, and none of them know anything. I'm sick and tired of hanging around people that have fucking everything in their lives, that lose something and can replace it right away. I'm sick and tired of being out and being hungry, and just watch everyone order their shit, eating their shit, and me, eating the bread crumbs or the food they don't like, literally. If there actually is a God out there, why do bad things happen and you don't get any hep? A friend of mine told me this one day. I really didn't pay that much attention until now. I guess everyone's life is hard, but, I just know, some people's life is worst than others. I know everybody has problems, everyone. 

Maybe for a rich chick teenager that has everything she wants, her problem is not getting the T-shirt she always wanted, and I totally understand. Because that's her problem, that's her reality. Now, I'm totally ok with that, so that's why when someone is having a rough time with something, I won't tell them: "Well yeah, just remember there's people dying in Africa because they can't eat anything." Ok, yes, I totally know that, but, does that actually make you feel better? Does that change your reality? Well, no, it fucking doesn't. I will never say that to anyone, I would just get into that person, and try every single thing to make them feel better, I wouldn't go anywhere until that person shows a smile on the face. What I'm trying to say is, basically that I would like that to happen to me. I feel so stressed and weak lately, full of anxiety and things that worry my brains out. I'm a bad person. I'm jealous of everyone that has everything I don't have. Sometimes, I can't feel happy for someone, I just feel jealousy. That is a bad thing, a really, really bad thing. You know, I wish I could change who I am, everything. Me, my looks, the way I see life, the way I think, almost everything. I don't want to see anybody, I don't want to hang out with anybody, I don't want to get out of my house. I feel so bad, I feel like I'm bad person. I feel like I'm bad at everything I do, say... Can someone save me? Please. There's got to be someone out there who knows what it's like to feel so empty and suicidal. Yes, suicidal. I would never thought that I would think like this in my whole entire life. When I'm at the limit. I just don't want to continue anymore, I want to disappear form the map. I know that no one reads this fucking blog, but if I can't be understood by someone else, being understood by myself is kind of comforting.

It's Motopony, my computer and me, I'm all alone, and i'ts sad.

Motopony - Wait For Me

La escuchaba en un coche. No escuchaba nada, solo la canción, cual película: mirando por la ventana, el cielo, la ciudad. Pensando. No sé que me pasa cuando yo y la música nos juntamos, pero conecto más con ella que con cualquier otra cosa en este mundo. Sabéis, no me gusta nada viajar. Me desagrada coger un avión e irme. Irme. 

Antes, me encantaba, de pequeñita. No me importaba nada, más bien ni me enteraba a donde iba, era feliz donde me pusieses. Igual me pasaba con la navidad. Dios, como me encantaba. Siempre esperando a que llegase aquella época del año. Es curioso, porque yo me acuerdo, de un preciso momento. Estaba en el jardín de mi casa en Venezuela, lugar donde todo era ilusión y diversión. Iba dando vueltas, sola, cantando la canción de navidad esta típica. Y cuando me cansé, me tiré al suelo mirando hacia el cielo, las nubes, los árboles, la naturaleza, con una sonrisa enorme. 

Todo esto demuestra, que la vida en sí te pone más dificultades. Desde aquel momento del jardín, todo ha cambiado tanto... Demasiado. Me desagrada la navidad, odio viajar. Y ¿Por qué? 

Porque todo es diferente, todo ha cambiado, y no puedo volver, a aquel momento, en el que solo eras una niña, y lo único en lo que pensabas era en las formas de las nubes.

It's electrifying.

Here I am, lying on my bed. Listening to music and to my head, which I shouldn't though. Less thinking, more volume. Everyone's starting to move on, couple thinking, except me. Am I better being single? Maybe. But, everyone's much better knowing that someone loves you. I guess I just need that. But not just "that", I need him, sadly. I used to be strong, but he instantly, in some ways, becomes my weakness. I'm so good at sharing and giving my little secrets, so they can survive the funk, and I can't even handle my own story. I just know I deserve this, it's just bad timing. I'm sure. And I'm sure he loves me as much as I love him. And that I cross his mind through the day, and that he misses me. And at the same time, the fact that I don't actually know anything, is killing me. My tradition of making wishes when a balloon floats in the sky, came on practice today, and I knew exactly what I'd say, and, suddenly, everything was ok for a moment.

So Far Away

Maybe it was a start. Everything's going well, and it looks like every boy I used to share feelings with, decided to talk to me all at he same time. It doesn't feel bad, It's just too much for me. There was something missing. It was him. I'm desperate to show him how I've changed and demonstrate him that I was totally over our history, except, the fear of having a possibility that I wouldn't have the chance. Should I be afraid? It's the only thing that I needed to send free. Time heals almost everything, and this is part of the "everything", I want to finally let go, and I could, I don't think I am going to see him anytime soon.

Start of a finish line.

I guess I started off pre-tty well. Am I a bad person? Do I hurt the one I love? I'm not sure, I don't even know how I feel anymore. He was supposed to be here, with me tonight. It hurts to be too optimistic sometimes, hope isn't always a good thing. Maybe he is with someone else, maybe the time "I" needed was forgotten. Or maybe I was. Now he seems to not care at all. I just wish that what I started, can finish. He wasn't the problem, I was. I'm the only thing that blocks everything. I have to organize myself for once and for all, because, I swear to you, that all of my selfies would be black & white, if cameras captured souls and feelings.

"Asegúrate de que estás más pendiente de tu persona que de tu reputación" - John Wooden

No soy nada en especial, la verdad. Si en este mundo lo que de verdad se aprecia es lo normal, lo frecuente. Lo diferente es lo interesante, lo que no es frecuente, ni normal. No hay nadie así? Tiene que haber. Pues a mi, me encanta lo distinto, lo que no se ve todos los días. Hay personas así, lo sabéis? Pues sí. Lo que pasa es que yo no las encuentro, ni las veo. Quiero estar con aquellas personas, que son como yo, esas. Es tan complicado?Pues si conocéis a alguien, avisarme, porfavor. 

"Yo básicamente soy del tipo que sufre silenciosamente."

Que quieres que te diga. Ya no sé ni cómo pensar. Como si la vida te lo complicase, te destroza, te hace  pensar. Tan convencida de no encontrar a nadie como tú y aparece él... A veces llego a pensar que él es  aquel chico que tanto soñaba... Mejor que tú. Hay partes malas y partes buenas en todo lo que se te cruze. Parte mala: vive lejos. Parte mala dos: Creo que no me quieres, como yo a ti. 

Joder, y eso duele. Quizás sea verdad eso de quien te ama no lo aprecias, y a quien amas no te aprecia. No pensé en la vida que iba a caer jamás por ti, y es como que ya he puesto un pie en el agua para probarla, es decir, puede que algo esté enamorada de ti.

Pero tú de mi no, ahí está el problema.

Supongo que da igual, tengo mejores cosas por las que preocuparme.